The difference is that while some of us had intense training before getting sick, most of us disabled folk who come to the martial arts come with the mind of a newborn, and the body of an old man. We have all the weakness, but we haven’t trained our spirit to compensate.

But it is what it is. I am not the young boy Master Deshimaru speaks of, and I am not the old man. I am this young-old woman, in this unbalanced body. I think that if I could ask him today how to balance those things, he’d remind me: I am in this particular place, in this particular moment, facing this particular technique, as best I can remember it with this particular mind, as well as I can with this particular body. And when this one is done, there will be another.

I lose track of my library books. I might have, considering the whole family, 20 books out at a time. And I do well until I get sick for a while, and then I lose track of everything, and when I’m feeling better, I can’t remember (or even find!) the books. When that happens, I end up with a huge fine, which I then have to deal with.

So when it happened last time, my thoughts were Hey! It’s been a really long time since this happened! That’s awesome. It gets less and less frequent. My husband, friend, parents, etc., though, say “there she goes again.” Which is the right approach?

I’ve tried hiding because I can’t count on myself. I’ve tried, for example, not taking out any more library books (or making any other commitments). It’s a horrible life! So I choose to move forward, to try again.

And to be honest, I think having areas to improve is delightful. Growth is what makes life such a treasure. (Good thing I enjoy it. I have a lot more coming.)

Anybody want to go for a good, long, bike-ride?

I learned something about good days yesterday, though. See, I ride a couple of miles to my community garden space, and when I have to go uphill, I often barely (baaaaaaaarely) make it in first gear. Yesterday, I went over the hill in my highest gear. In fact, I rode the whole way in my highest or second-highest gear. I never used anything under 6 (out of 7).

That’s the only thing that told me I was having a good day. I was happy that I’d decided to bike, thinking I wasn’t being as lazy as usual, but I didn’t recognize that the day was any different until I noticed how easy it was to bike. In fact, my first thought was that the bike, or the weather, or the roads were different. “Did I fill up the tires?” I just don’t consider the possibility that my body doesn’t work sometimes. I had decided (on the bad days) that it was the ride that was difficult, rather than my body not working.

You might wonder why I share things like this. It’s because I figure that there are other people out there living in denial, and reading about how thick-headed I am might just help them open their eyes. :) And, I suppose, I hope it’ll help me remember as well.

The good news is that I’m learning things. I think it’s taken me this long to get the big lesson through my head, the one about taking care of myself.

I thought I was getting it, but only recently have I really been able to set aside my obligations and go to bed if I need to, or even go sit by the river and watch the geese. In my old life, that would have counted as “wasting time” and “goofing off.” Now, sometimes it’s the only hope I have today of being well enough to work tomorrow.

So no Karate for now. My new love is my bike. And it hardly hurts at all to ride. ;)

Unbelievable. Yet it is passing. I’m able to get through class again. And I’m back writing again, much to the relief, I’m sure, of my large audience of readers. :)

If you’re down, or having a flare or relapse, keep the faith! Healing happens.

Not especially interesting in itself, but what I found amazing was the discovery that the resulting symptoms mimic fibromyalgia, exactly! And apparently I’m not the first to notice this. Dr. Mary Lee Esty, in Neurotherapeutic Therapy and Fibromyalgia Using EEG-Based Stimulation suggests that Fibromyalgia is a brain dysfunction. She points out that problems relating to whiplash are “the result of the biomechanical forces of whiplash causing traumatic brain injury and its inevitable central nervous system dysfunction.” She also points out the whiplash, traumatic brain injury and fibromyalgia have an “almost complete overlap” of symptoms.

I haven’t been back to Karate yet. I’ve biked many miles, but not enough. I’ll consider this EEG stimulation at some point, but for now, I’ve got to get moving again.

The warm-up exhausted me, really. Twenty minutes of jogging, pushups, situps, etc., plus drills on kicks from the floor. I had to take a break in the middle, and even after the break, I had to slow down a lot. That is, the class was kicking, and I went off to the side and paced. But what amazed me—after I’d felt so completely wiped out by the warmup—was that after a while I was able to come back and finish the class.

There were a few times during class when I had to work to keep from crying. But I managed, until the class was over and I was in the car. Then, about thirty seconds of stress-crying, and I was done.

…until last week.

The dojo was closed on Monday and Tuesday for Independence Day. And Wednesday I got sick. It was clear that I was really ill, and couldn’t do class, but psychology, it was still a battle.

When you have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or another chronic, invisible illness, healthy people — even if they’re too nice to say so — wonder if you could try a little harder, if you’re drinking enough water, if you would do better if you’d get out more. But what many people don’t realize is that we have those same doubts. Most of us, anyway. And no matter how clear it is that no, I really couldn’t try any harder, the doubts come up.

When today came around and I wasn’t sick anymore, it was time to go back to the dojo. Scary! I have this nagging devil in my mind that says that I only missed class because I’m lazy. (Laziness is another word for Fibromyalgia, don’t you know.) That same devil was saying that I shouldn’t go back, it will be too hard, I may not be completely better, it will be too much.

But, as always, in the end I could say “I did it!” I can still, hours later, feel it. And I’m a little woozy, looking forward to bed.

But I’m also looking forward to class tomorrow. Life is good.