Follow the Love » disability

There she goes again.

Angela — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 11:34:58 +0000

I think I already wrote a somewhat unfocused post on Zaadz about this, but it just won’t go away. Again I’m reminded how, when I’m really impressed with my growth, I realize that it doesn’t look much like growth from the outside. Here’s an example, probably way more confessional that I should post online. (Famous last words, huh?)

I lose track of my library books. I might have, considering the whole family, 20 books out at a time. And I do well until I get sick for a while, and then I lose track of everything, and when I’m feeling better, I can’t remember (or even find!) the books. When that happens, I end up with a huge fine, which I then have to deal with.

So when it happened last time, my thoughts were Hey! It’s been a really long time since this happened! That’s awesome. It gets less and less frequent. My husband, friend, parents, etc., though, say “there she goes again.” Which is the right approach?

I’ve tried hiding because I can’t count on myself. I’ve tried, for example, not taking out any more library books (or making any other commitments). It’s a horrible life! So I choose to move forward, to try again.

And to be honest, I think having areas to improve is delightful. Growth is what makes life such a treasure. (Good thing I enjoy it. I have a lot more coming.)

Anybody want to go for a good, long, bike-ride?

I love my body!

Angela — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 22:05:29 +0000

It’s still fat, definitely. And it’s sore sometimes. But I have visible arm muscles! Visible leg muscles! And I can do amazing things: I can survive a karate class, walk through the grocery store, and I can pick up my beautiful baby. Oh, that is so, so wonderful.

Laziness is another word for Fibromyalgia

Angela — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 12:28:31 +0000

So I promised myself I wouldn’t miss any classes because I was “too sore” or “too exhausted” or “dizzy” or any of those other Fibromyalgia things. I decided I did not need to take a “break” sometimes, that I would just do it. And that’s worked pretty well…

…until last week.

The dojo was closed on Monday and Tuesday for Independence Day. And Wednesday I got sick. It was clear that I was really ill, and couldn’t do class, but psychology, it was still a battle.

When you have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or another chronic, invisible illness, healthy people — even if they’re too nice to say so — wonder if you could try a little harder, if you’re drinking enough water, if you would do better if you’d get out more. But what many people don’t realize is that we have those same doubts. Most of us, anyway. And no matter how clear it is that no, I really couldn’t try any harder, the doubts come up.

When today came around and I wasn’t sick anymore, it was time to go back to the dojo. Scary! I have this nagging devil in my mind that says that I only missed class because I’m lazy. (Laziness is another word for Fibromyalgia, don’t you know.) That same devil was saying that I shouldn’t go back, it will be too hard, I may not be completely better, it will be too much.

But, as always, in the end I could say “I did it!” I can still, hours later, feel it. And I’m a little woozy, looking forward to bed.

But I’m also looking forward to class tomorrow. Life is good.

My son’s karate class

Angela — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 08:46:38 +0000

R__ started his Karate class today. I was watching, and I wanted so much to join the class. Sitting on the bench, I followed along part of the time. I even stood up for a bit.

After class, the instructor came and told me that for mother’s day, the dojo was offering moms the first month free. Of course, I told him I can’t possibly do that. I’m disabled, only six months out of my wheelchair.

He said that everyone there has limitations, and we only do what we can do. I’d be welcome in class, whatever my ability level.

It’s tempting! But I’m not sure I could even stand up for an hour, no matter how slow and careful I took it.

At least not more than once.