Letting Go

There was a time when I used to write about doing Karate. Maybe that time will come again… But for now, I’m not feelin it. I’m so sick, and so tired. So tired. It doesn’t feel like there’s enough rest in the whole universe to restore me. So I’m thinking about energy, and about having enough hours in the day.

But let me digress a minute.

I was driving through what I considered to be a “rich” neighborhood a few winters ago. To be honest, though, I’ve seen richer neighborhoods. This one was what the folks there probably considered middle class. But I was driving through and I was thinking about the folks living under a bridge downtown, and along the river. I was thinking how cold they must be, camping outside, and thinking How can these people just sit in their cozy houses with empty bedrooms and extra cars?! Don’t they care?! People are dying!

But part of my practice is to notice when my heart is closing, and to turn it. One way I do that is by taking angry-questions like “How can they do that?!” and turning them into real questions, like “How can they do that?” Amazingly effective, that trick.

So I asked myself, really asked, how they could do it. And I realized as I was asking that I live in a cozy house. I have spare floor space and a warm bed, even while other people freeze. Why do I do it? Oh, but I barely have enough. I don’t have all that extra.

And that’s when it hit me. They can live in their big cozy house with a spare room for the same reason I live in my little cozy house without a spare room. Because they think they barely have enough. They’re scared to give up what they have. Just like the rest of us.

Which has to do with energy how?

I’m thinking of this because I’ve been talking to friends, and lots of them tell me the same thing. They have dreams that are bigger than their energy and resources. The connection is that many of these friends (not all) look to me like people who have lots of energy and lots of resources.

And these friends are like the folks I saw as wealthy. Mostly, they don’t have chronic illness. Mostly, they are healthy, well-educated, mostly even white & male, for what that’s worth. Wealthy. They have plenty of energy, don’t they? Why would they be feeling limited?

Accepting, embracing reality. Being here & now.

I’m way into not just accepting, but being at peace with — in love with — the present moment, and the fullness of reality. For me, lately that’s meant merging my dreams, my highest vision, with a reality that involves me having an average of four hours a day of alertness. Not enough for a full-time job, or even a part-time job.

For years, I’ve wrestled with this. (And it isn’t consistent, so it’s hard to get used to a certain level of energy. Changes all the time.) Tried to match my ideas and excitement with the amount of energy available. It’s impossible! I don’t have enough!

Having enough.

Hmm. Again with the people I perceive as wealthy (though in health & resources, not money). They don’t feel like they have enough any more than I do. They have dreams they can’t find time or energy or money to pursue, just like I do.

So then I think maybe this is about what it means to have enough. And that maybe — bear with me here — that I’ve been given an amazing gift in this illness, in my wheelchair years, in my history and angst and pain and karma.

It just keeps coming back to this… Somehow, peace comes from letting go. I don’t mean giving up, but when I try to organize things so that there’s “enough”, there never is. That approach brings nothing but constant struggle. When I let go, then there’s hope of peace. Not a giving-up peace, but real peace, from… I don’t know… walking a natural path, a path of love, of curiosity, exploration, collaboration, friendship, hope… all kinds of beautiful things. What I imagine a Taoist might call letting what is be what is, or a Buddhist might call nonresistance and nonattachment.

That’s why I look back on the years I spent on a wheelchair as a blessing. (Except when I hate them and fear their return, of course.) That’s why I’m (sometimes) grateful for all the messiness that makes up this life. Well, and also cuz it keeps me honest — don’t have the energy to be phony.

I kinda think energy is both limitless and finite.

What do you do with your energy? Do you feel limited by it? Or is it abundant?

If following a “natural” path means noticing what we’re doing, being fully present with that, and then gently nudging toward our vision, then we need to be aware of what we want more of, and what we want less of.

Do you always have several projects going at once? Or is your life full of free time, sipping tea on the porch, building towns with your kid on the floor? Do you run out of energy, or do you get plenty of rest and start the day ready to do beautiful things?

More importantly, what would you like more of in life, and what would you like less of? Can letting go make life richer?