I still can’t get it through my head that this is not going to go away. I still think after a few good days that I’m all better, and I still blame myself when I have bad days. Actually, I don’t even realize that they’re bad days. It’s a strange mental process that lets me think on a good day, “Yay! I’m strong! I’m biking!” and then on a bad day think “I’m so lazy. I wish I weren’t so lazy.” Twisted, huh?
I learned something about good days yesterday, though. See, I ride a couple of miles to my community garden space, and when I have to go uphill, I often barely (baaaaaaaarely) make it in first gear. Yesterday, I went over the hill in my highest gear. In fact, I rode the whole way in my highest or second-highest gear. I never used anything under 6 (out of 7).
That’s the only thing that told me I was having a good day. I was happy that I’d decided to bike, thinking I wasn’t being as lazy as usual, but I didn’t recognize that the day was any different until I noticed how easy it was to bike. In fact, my first thought was that the bike, or the weather, or the roads were different. “Did I fill up the tires?” I just don’t consider the possibility that my body doesn’t work sometimes. I had decided (on the bad days) that it was the ride that was difficult, rather than my body not working.
You might wonder why I share things like this. It’s because I figure that there are other people out there living in denial, and reading about how thick-headed I am might just help them open their eyes. :) And, I suppose, I hope it’ll help me remember as well.